*missing you*

i had a very tiring day today...my "wonderful" pj teacher force us to do long distance run, sit ups, touchy toe and push ups all in one go...so tiring...now my back ache...haah...neways...i'm weak...

actually i came on coz...i dunno where to jot it...i'm missing someone really much...tomorrow she is going off...i won't be able to see her for a month...i kept thinking bout her...i feel so alone...i feel so sad...i wish i could just hug her one last time before she goes off...but i guess i won't have the chance...she's someone really special to me in my life...someone who's been very important to me and who's there for me when i needed her...all i can hope is that she comes home safely in one piece and that she enjoy her time there...may God bless her...the way He blessed me by placing her in my life...girl...i'll miss you...ciaoz..

hey!!

okie...firstly i would i like to say something...to all the people out there...especially you-know-who...

i'm not sure why and i'm not sure what's wrong but i know that you are angry with me...in a way you are showing it...and i think you hate me for who i am now...i know i've changed a lot and maybe till the extent where you just hate me even more. i may not be the same person i was last time but it's not easy for me too....in any ways....i'm really sorry if i had hurt your feelings...i'm not sure how long our frenship will last and i'm not sure whether you still consider me as your fren...but no matter wat...you'll always be my fren...love you always...this message is to the people who had always been with me in form 3....i'll always remember the times we had...

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this week had been boring...nothing much happen...just study and do homework and sleep and eat and wake up...everyday routine. haven't been online much and haven't been chatting with people much except the few people in my class...ermm...i had the siao moment in class on friday...no idea why....sorta lost my sense of humour after so much studying...now, i'm worrying  bout end term...i better not fail anything...okie...to be exact...i better not get any donkeys...i have enough of that...for that, i'm going to study like siao...i'm not going to let my parents down and i'm not going to let God down...plus...i will not allow myself to let myself down and my wonderful frens who's always there to teach me....i'll never let the people around me down...i need to study....please help me man...phew....that's all bout the days i have..haha...klar...ciao...zzz....

aih...

today's a really bad day....

i've been sick for these few days...

it's getter worse...gosh...

now i'm having fever...

when will i get better...

makes me feel like not doing anything at all...

i feel so tired...

you know what...in this world, no one is trustable...in other words..there's no one we can trust fully. only one person whom i can always trust...the Lord Jesus Christ. i got the shock of my life today and i also got the most hurtful moment today. today, the person i trusted so much...all of a sudden hurt me so much...it's like i've given another chance and another disappointment...i'm so afraid now...from today on, i shall keep my mouth shut...shut..shut...shut...good right?...i think so too...but i think i shouldn't blame that person coz it's my fault. i'm not that angry with her coz i know that in the first place i shouldn't have told her anything. but you knwo what...how can i don't tell her...when she's my best fren...my gosh...life is hard to live. neways, i'm actually angry with the guy more coz he just don't want to listen to me...he didn't give me a chance to explain and say sorry. even the things i didn't do, he also just say i do. what in the world man...i feel so so angry and hurt for being accused of soemthing i didn't do. but i know if i were him, i might react like this also...so yea...now i dunno what to do....haih...haih...he scolded me in class...and didn't give me a chance to speak...i feel so so so hurt...but you know wat...i'm just such a good actress...i acted like i have no feelings...and that i am all fine...did my accounts homework...with tears kept trying to flow out...till finally i just put my head in my arms and table...and cried...i didn't know wat to do...i feel so so so sad...i kept crying....and then when i finally calm down, i just close my eyes and talk to God...then i rest my eyes for a while and then i look up...i feel so sad...so hurt....but i think i'm not the only one...all thanks to God i'm kinda okie now...

next scene....

i came home from tuition...and i went online...and you knwo wat...i was shocked when i pass by my fren's photoes and found out that she has a boyfren...my gosh...okie...that's not that badlar...still okie...then i went to the bf's site and guess wat i saw...the shock of my life...i didn't know she would do that...a picture of her kissign the guy...gosh...gosh....shocked enough...i'm sitll thinking whether is she serious or not wan....she was my role model and now...ermmm....i dunno what to say....neways...no spreading news around...klar...i gtg now...have to take rest again...fever rising again...haih...bye...

heyo!!

i'm so so so tired...came home from prefects camp yesterday...it was...ermmm....fun, tiring, exciting but yet i feel very sad. dont' ask why. just sad lar. erm...yesterday when i reach school at 1 o'clock...my mum fetch me at 1:30...then went for lunch...which i didn't eat lar...too tired...then i went tennis and badminton...till ermm...7 something...then went straight to church for durian feast...where i didn't eat anything durians...hehe...then at around 9 something...went mc donalds...ate...reach home at 10 something...then bathe...then only can start homework...so tired...slept 12 something....went school today...half dead...haha...but i survived...having fever but then i think i can survive lar...that's bout it lar...

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you know how people just always forget their responsibilities. how humans just love to blame others. pointing fingers...so on. during prefects camp, i have been thinking a lot...not bout love or anything..but about responsibility. mainly, i've been thinking of my responsibility towards my family, my frens, my church, my school, myself and most of all God.

family - you know how sometimes we just hate our sisters and brothers...how we hate our parents for the things they did to us. i just tend to blame them for every single thing which went wrong that sometimes i forgot that i have the responsibility for what they did.

frens - i know that since i step into the year 2005, i've been changing a lot. i know i've been playing around with life. and i've been kinda away from my frens. joining prefects had made me even more unclose to my frens. spending so little time with them. didn't have the heart to listen or help. just feel like keeping quiet...be alone. all the promises i've made, it seems like i just can't do it anymore. i feel like a total different person. i feel like i just don't want to care about anything else besides myself. where's my responsibility towards my frens. i feel like i'm hated by many. i know that people are talking behind my back but i feel that i just cna't be bothered. frens are like getting less and less important day by day. now, even my best fren seem deserted to me. i feel so uncomfortable to share any problems...any secrets with my frens...even my best fren.

church - what cani say here. i know i'm a bad girl lately. and erm...the responsibilities i was given in church had been put aside. like wat my fren say...studies rise, God left aside. i haven't been going for prayer meeting every saturday. i've stopped doing newsletter. i didn't have the heart to worhsip lead. i didnt' have the heart to help out during discussion. i was just a lazy pig waiting for eveything to end. waiting for people to do the work. i just feel so tired working all the while. there's not a week i can just attend without having something to do. i feel like i'm working...not serving. i feel like i don't have a choice. i feel so burdened when people just expect so much from me. i don't feel myself and i just don't know wat to do. and you know wat...i'm worship leading this week...oh gosh...i just don't know how.

God - this here is like ermm...the thing i think the most. i haven't been spending time with God for like i dunno how long already. i have been thinking whether do i still believe in him. but the only time i spoke to him is before i eat dinner. it's been like a habit of me saying thank you and just eat. when reponsibility came into my mind...where's the responsibilities i have towards God? i asked me to give me chances to serve and now, i didn't even bother bout it. reading the bible...something i ought to do...but i feel so bored and so tired. there are so many questions but no answers. i'm so lazy to ask him. i dont' find the point of aksing anymore. i never get the answer. i know i hold responsible for that too...but i really feel so tired.

for now, i think i will just try to leave this life as it is for now. bout worship leading this week, i'm pretty unsure bout wat to do. if anyone can help, please do help me. i just feel so tired. the heart to lead is like...dead....i got to go now...homework again...haih...form 4....life....klar...

hey hey!!

no worries...kinda good mood today...for now...

let's see...i think i shall start with wat happen on saturday...

Saturday

early in the morning...i went to school lor...like usual...got guides mar...it's funner than usual...we did some boy stuff instead this time...learning how to tie wood together...FUN!! we did cross...for once...i enjoy guides...and then....i took cab home with peggy....reach home earlier than usual...and then i stay at home lor...and then so suddenly i decided to go for taman sea's campfire...hehe....with yen yen lor...so i told my mum and she say okie mar...so i go lor...when i reach there...hmm...hard to find for my frens..blablabla...let's go straight to the point....

the thing started...late...met my old old frens....miss them so much...look so different too...haih....all the memories we had...haha...lots of funness...let's see...we had nightwalk...that wan was kinda funny and embrassing at the same time...i did have fun though...me and yen plan to dance together...didn't really bother bout guys lar...then when we got up...this "guys" approach lar...my gosh man...dunno what to do...gave weird looks then just dance lar...when we exchanged partners...that one was worse...the "guys" tried to be so friendly but i was so shy...since i dunno any of them...i think i step on someone's foot...hahha...then after that we had all the rest of the stuff....till the end...we found out that the fire was fake...haha....like paper only....then after that...we had this tunnel thingy...that wan i love a lot...but before we started...like usual we were asked to go out lar...so i did lar...with yen lar...duh....then this weird guy came and ask whether i got partner or not...and whether i wanna you know lar...so i straight away reject...the word "NO" came out so fast...i think it didn't even went through my brain...haha...i think he was shocked...coz later...whenever i pass him by...he gave me weird look...hha...but who cares..haah...that was the end of saturday...

Sunday

i went to church feeling so so so tired...wanna sleep all the while...tried to focus on God...and i did lor...since i'm so tired...and then after church went eat MC DONALD!!....then after taht i came home and sleep...didn't want to go swimming at first but my mum force me to....i was having headache but still force to go...so i just go lar...since i do need excersice...getting so much fatter...haha...eating a lot lately...let's see....ohyar....

went swimming with my elder sister...having sorta "fun"...i play floating...and i hit my head on the wall a few times...haha...didn't see the wall lar...i'm sorta blind looking upwards...then here comes the horrible part....two "wonderful" NOT...guys....they were like aiyor...me and my sis were having fun till they appear...trying to show off....looking at us...i got so irritated that me and my sis went to the jakusi...how ever you spell that...and we talk there lor...then they pulak follow...so i just went into the pool...i can't stand them looking at me...so irritating...can't swim...not only did they look...they trying to berlagak lar...doing stupid stunts in water...make my head laugh till drop....when we went into the pool again...they follow also...then they came and talk to us lar...i didn't open my mouth at all...haha...just dont' like to talk to them....they wanted to challenge my sis to swim...my sis say no...i told my sis to say no also...they force lar...the butterfly...backstrock...freestyle...so on...my gosh...terpaksa swim lar...then after the stupid swim thingy...they started talking...and start to berlagak lar...wat host for tv 3 and 8 tv...and they are like 17...shish....berlagak betul...guys guys...okay...not to insult guys but they are like that lar...not all guys are like that though...haha....so yar lar...

Today

wat do you think happen today...hmm...in a way..i'm memang sensitive...no idea why...but i'm made this way...so...ermm....couldn't get up from bed this morning...darn tired...*yawnz*...still tired now...today in school...i was sorta like...thinking so much bout him...then suddenly i asked myself why i'm so dumb...haha...yes i am...once again...i told myself to just forget about it...haha...so yar...i did...then later that day...somehow...i met him lar...why in the world did that happen when i forgot about him...life life...haha...but anyways...life will still go on...okie...forget about that issue...case sensitive...erm...then...the whole day walk up and down only...so tired...i feel like i'm "taufu far" now...hehe...not much homework today lar...not that i know lar...haih....but others i think it's okielor...haih....and then today after school right...guess where i go...i went shopping....IKEA and Jusco...both....so tired when i return...my legs gone already...haha...i washed the horrible aquarium...ewww....but anyways...they are fishes...and they are cute in a way...so yar...that's all for today lor...wait...that's they good part...can i go to the bad part?...heeh

~^badddd^~

i just hate my name...i tried to accept it in a positive way...but shish...when will i ever not listen to others...i hate people calling me names...and i hate my name...why in the world did my name became my name?...why? why?...i hate my name...and i hate my name...shish...no one can ever hate their name more than i hate my name...shish...shish...

okie...done with the hating...now...ermm...let's see...i've drifted far away from a lot of things...i felt lost in a way...but just don't know how to go back...so tired of trying...just wanna give up...but still...life will still go on...won't it...haih...why do i just feel like i jsut can't be bothered...??...is that good or bad?...haven't been reading Bible much lately except story books lar...don't find the reason to read anymore...is like...i'm so tired and when i read i feel so tired...then i just fall asleep forgetting what i read...so yar...lazy already lar...i know one day i'll read again wan...so just wait and see...

you know wat...i've been havin bone aches lately...and you know wat...i'm suspected to have bone cancer...haih...wat to do...haih....life is just short...i got nothing to say...not till it's confirm...

~^goood^~

* i love my room

* i got mirror now

* i just love my room so much

* ooo...i just love it so much...

* haha...i'm nuts...

* ohyar...should i got for cheer?

* maybe...

* i just love to read lately...actually study...

* i wanna read dictionary...but i just can't find for it

* i'm becoming lazy yet better...

* lazy to do homework...

* rajin...read books

* i'm getting quieter...

* i'm getting siaoer

* i'm getting happier lately...